The Joy of Holidays

       You’d think the holidays would get easier as my years as a stepmom grew, but they didn’t. I had had this gig for six years when this last Christmas was upon us. This year, I was proud of myself because I started my shopping early, and shopping for my kids is no easy task, either. They are the type of kids who, when asked what they want for Christmas, will say, “Nothing.” Or, “I don’t know.” Sometimes I am tempted to get them just that: nothing. But I know that when the morning comes, they absolutely want to, expect to, open gifts. I know how sad and disappointed Jess and Aiden would be if there was nothing there for them to open. So, I wracked my brain trying to think of things they would like or want. I found games that would challenge them, clothes they would wear, and gift cards for places I knew they liked. Their dad, on the other hand, didn’t even think of gifts until Dec. 24th. I’m not kidding! Therefore, the thinking up gifts, the shopping, all falls on me. This year I felt I had done a good job buying fun and useful gifts for the kids, so I was eager for them to get there and open their presents. 

This Christmas, the kids spent Christmas Eve and morning with their mom, and then came to our house around 11AM. When they showed up, we were excited to see them and excited for them to open their gifts. However, when they did, my happiness was deflated. All I heard after each gift was opened was, “Thanks, Dad!” Or “Thanks, Papa!” Or “Thanks, Daddy!” I was not thanked once. Not once. Finally, their dad spoke up, “What, you think I did all this? Really? Why are you only thanking me? Carole did most of the shopping.” (Most?) Sheepishly, both kids hung their heads and quietly thanked me. Even though I appreciated Frank sticking up for me, I was stunned. Suddenly, I felt demoted to just “the stepmom” all over again; the brand new, left out stepmom. In an instant those feelings came rushing back.  There had been times when I no longer felt like “just the stepmom”, times I felt included and connected to the kids, where no label was required. But in that moment, the label came back. I was “the stepmom”, the one who didn’t matter. It was as though I wasn’t even there. I was so hurt. 

Being a stepmom is such a roller-coaster ride. The highs and lows could kill you, if you let them. I am  learning to try and take each moment for what it is: a moment. “They”say that we are supposed to live in the moment anyway, so I know that's a good lesson for me to learn how to do just that- be in the moment. Hopefully, that will help me let go of expectations. There are times when I feel so loved by Jess and Aiden, and other times when I feel like I don't matter. I need to learn to simply appreciate and savor the times when we are close and connected, and then let them go. My hope is that staying in the moment will help take the sting out of the times when they say, “Thank you, Dad” when I'm the one who should be thanked.