Do I Really Matter?

Even though I’m not always sure that my advice is wanted, I still offer it up, especially to the kids. It’s hard to know what the appropriate protocol is for the stepmom. Should I give advice? Do they even want to hear what I think? Is it okay to act like a mom? It’s so hard to know, so I just go with what feels right in the moment, and pray for the best. Recently, Abby was going through a rough time making friends. She had her longtime friend, Ashley, but she hadn’t gotten close to anybody new, and she felt shy about talking to new kids. There were a couple girls in her classes who she wanted to befriend, but she wasn’t sure how to go about it. We talked one night about how to make friends. Conversational skills were hard for her, causing her to resort to silliness a little too often. Being goofy and silly is great in small doses, but it's not appropriate all the time. I told Abby that she could talk to a therapist about this if she wanted, or I could help her if she preferred. She said she’d like to get the help from me. 

We made a plan to go to lunch the following weekend to work on conversational skills. When I brought this up to her the following Friday on our way home from school, she said, “I never said I wanted to do that. I don’t remember that conversation at all. I’m fine, I don’t want any help.” Really? She had completely forgotten our entire conversation? Hmm... I calmly said, “Well, we did talk about that and I still think learning some new skills would be helpful for you.” I told her one thing she could start doing is ask questions. Most people like to talk about themselves. I suggested asking the new girls in her class what they had done over the weekend, or what their plans were for summer, or even what they did the night before. For whatever reason, Abby did not seem open to any advice from me at that moment, so I just shut up after that, and we continued our drive in silence.  

That following evening, we were going to the movies and Abby’s friend, Ashley, was joining us. The three of us piled into the car, and headed over to Ashley’s house to pick her up. When she got into the car, we had the initial pleasantries, talking about the movie we were going to see, where to go for dinner, etc. Then there was silence. When Abby asked, “So Ashley, what did you do today?” I thought I would melt with happiness. I actually felt tears sting my eyes. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. That is not something she would ever have asked before our talk. She did hear me; she did take my advice. I guess I do matter after all.