The Stepmom as Hero, For Once...

When my stepson came home from school with a new haircut, I felt bad. I didn't like the way it looked, and I said so, in not the nicest way, either. I said, "Oh! You got your haircut! Do you like it?" He said, "No!" Then I said, "Yeah, what did she do? It looks like a bowl cut!" He, of course, responded with, "No it doesn't! That wasn't nice!" He was right, but I couldn't believe that this hairstylist gave a 16 year old boy a cut like that. I told him I was sorry, but that I would want to know if my haircut looked bad. I then told him that if he wanted, I would take him to my hairstylist to fix it. He doubted it could be fixed, but he wanted to try. He asked how quickly I could get him in. I called right away, and got him a Friday afternoon appt. That evening, he admitted to me that he did think it looked like a bowl cut, and that he had told his mom he hated it. He also said that his sister told him it looked like a bowl cut. I told him I appreciated his honesty and his ability to admit his true feelings. I promised him that my hairstylist could fix it up.


On Friday, after his new haircut, he was so grateful. He said that my hairstylist was great and that she was now his new "hair person". He loved the way his hairstyle looked, all spiked up and cool looking. He thanked me profusely. I loved seeing him all happy and confident. This great mood of his lasted until he told his mom that he got his hair re-cut. She was not pleased and told him that he had wasted her money. I suggested that he offer to pay her the $15 dollars she spent on his haircut, that maybe offering to pay her back would diffuse her anger. He didn't want to do that. He was mad at her and couldn't understand why she would be so angry about him fixing what he obviously didn't like. He expected her to be happy that he now liked the way he looked. My guess was that somehow she knew I was the reason for the "fix". She must have figured out that I was the one who fixed the problem that her hairstylist caused. I was the "hero". I know in my head that this shouldn't be a competition, but in my heart, it felt really nice being the "hero" for once.

A Day to Work on My Book

I thought that today would be a perfect day to work on my book, knowing that the kids wouldn't be home from school until 3:30. I got all the "need to do" stuff out of the way, and at around noon I decided to start writing. Suddenly, I hear the front door opening, and in walks my stepson. Oops! I completely forgot that they had finals this week and would be out early. Crap! Trying to find time to write has been so challenging- I have to be in the right mood, I have to have peace and quiet, etc, etc. The list goes on.


Now, I've got this teenage boy home and there goes my peace and quiet. I figured that I might as well take this opportunity to let him know that I had read his paper for English. He's a good writer; all his paper needed was a little editing. However, the night before it was due, he didn't want to take the time to have me look it over for him. I had offered to read it and do some editing, but he said, "no". So I didn't. But today, when I found it "up" on the computer, I couldn't resist and read it anyway. Once I read it, I realized that only a little help had been needed- just a few misspelled words, some grammar stuff. Nothing major.


When he got home today, I told him this good news. Well, I thought it was good news. However, he didn't see it that way at all. Luckily, I know him so I knew that I needed to brace myself for the defensive, explosive behavior to come. And it did. And then I got mad and frustrated, telling him that I didn't understand why he didn't care more about his work. He said he did care, but that grammar wasn't important, it was only 5 points on his grade. I said that could be the difference between an "A" and a "B". He said it wasn't that big of deal, and stormed off. I muttered under my breath, "Why do I even bother, since you don't even care?" Which, of course, he heard, and yelled back at me, "I do care! Don't tell me I don't!". Then he stomped upstairs, slammed his door, and I'm left wondering where I went wrong. I tried to stay calm when I was talking to him, I really did. He blows up so quickly and gets so defensive that it's hard for me to keep my attitude in check.


Now I'm left feeling bad about the whole situation, feeling like a crappy stepmom. When I tell the kids to do something they don't want to do, like make their bed or do the dishes, I'm always bracing myself for the dreaded words, "You're not my mom! You can't tell me what to do!" So far, I haven't heard those words said aloud, but I still wonder if they ever think them.


After this fight with my stepson, I wondered if bio parents ever feel the way I was feeling. I wonder if they worry, like I do, about their kids "liking" them. After an argument I always fear the kids won't like me or love anymore, and I believe that I feel this way because I'm not the "real" parent. Kids will always love the "real" parent, but they might change their mind about the "step" parent, and decide to not love them anymore.


I gave it some time and then headed upstairs to tap on his door to talk. He was gracious; we talked for a moment, and "made up".  All is good now, but I know similar situations will arise again in the future. All I can hope for is that it will get easier with time, and that I will learn to trust in their love for me, as I trust in my love for them.

The Joy of Holidays

       You’d think the holidays would get easier as my years as a stepmom grew, but they didn’t. I had had this gig for six years when this last Christmas was upon us. This year, I was proud of myself because I started my shopping early, and shopping for my kids is no easy task, either. They are the type of kids who, when asked what they want for Christmas, will say, “Nothing.” Or, “I don’t know.” Sometimes I am tempted to get them just that: nothing. But I know that when the morning comes, they absolutely want to, expect to, open gifts. I know how sad and disappointed Jess and Aiden would be if there was nothing there for them to open. So, I wracked my brain trying to think of things they would like or want. I found games that would challenge them, clothes they would wear, and gift cards for places I knew they liked. Their dad, on the other hand, didn’t even think of gifts until Dec. 24th. I’m not kidding! Therefore, the thinking up gifts, the shopping, all falls on me. This year I felt I had done a good job buying fun and useful gifts for the kids, so I was eager for them to get there and open their presents. 

This Christmas, the kids spent Christmas Eve and morning with their mom, and then came to our house around 11AM. When they showed up, we were excited to see them and excited for them to open their gifts. However, when they did, my happiness was deflated. All I heard after each gift was opened was, “Thanks, Dad!” Or “Thanks, Papa!” Or “Thanks, Daddy!” I was not thanked once. Not once. Finally, their dad spoke up, “What, you think I did all this? Really? Why are you only thanking me? Carole did most of the shopping.” (Most?) Sheepishly, both kids hung their heads and quietly thanked me. Even though I appreciated Frank sticking up for me, I was stunned. Suddenly, I felt demoted to just “the stepmom” all over again; the brand new, left out stepmom. In an instant those feelings came rushing back.  There had been times when I no longer felt like “just the stepmom”, times I felt included and connected to the kids, where no label was required. But in that moment, the label came back. I was “the stepmom”, the one who didn’t matter. It was as though I wasn’t even there. I was so hurt. 

Being a stepmom is such a roller-coaster ride. The highs and lows could kill you, if you let them. I am  learning to try and take each moment for what it is: a moment. “They”say that we are supposed to live in the moment anyway, so I know that's a good lesson for me to learn how to do just that- be in the moment. Hopefully, that will help me let go of expectations. There are times when I feel so loved by Jess and Aiden, and other times when I feel like I don't matter. I need to learn to simply appreciate and savor the times when we are close and connected, and then let them go. My hope is that staying in the moment will help take the sting out of the times when they say, “Thank you, Dad” when I'm the one who should be thanked.  

Inspiration For My Book

Every week when I would get a manicure, I shared a story or two about my experiences with my two step kids. One day, my manicurist said to me, "You should write a book! You tell great stories!" When I was having lunch with a friend, we started talking about our children, and I shared a story about my stepdaughter. My friend said to me, "You should write a book! I think your experiences would be very inspirational for other stepmoms." On another occasion, a stepmom friend of mine and I were at lunch sharing our often trying experiences with being stepmoms, when we decided we should write a book. Well, my belief is that when we hear or see something at least three times, there must be something to it. So, I decided to write a book.


That is the journey I am on right now- writing a compilation of stories from real life stepmoms' real life adventures. It has been an amazing experience for me to hear all of these women tell their stories about their years as stepmoms: some who are stepmoms only, no kids of their own, some who have blended families together, and some who started as stepmoms and then chose to add to their families. Hearing all of their stories has been like being a part of a support group for stepmoms. I'm thinking my book will be like that- a support group in writing.


As I've been on this path, I have come across other sources available to help me along the way. One friend reminded me of another friend who is an editor. She has graciously agreed to help me with editing and revising my work. She is also the one who suggested I blog about my stories and the stories I'm gathering, so that's what this blog will be about. Every week I will share some of my own stories and some of the stories I hear from other stepmoms with my followers on my blog.  I would also love to hear from others out there who may want to contribute their own stories. Join me on this exciting new journey!